so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
