An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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