if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize