Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize