party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
