I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
