Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
