I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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