i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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