i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
