I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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