Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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