Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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