dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
