i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
