Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
