you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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