I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I got her a Nickelback box set.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
