hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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