I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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