I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize