I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
