If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
