So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
