Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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