Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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