On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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