oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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