i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
