why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
