I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
