Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
