I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
