I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
