He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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