what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
