Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
