at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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