He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
