omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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