Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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