Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I have post one night stand depression
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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