good thing vaginas are great cup holders
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
