blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
