the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
