there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
40s are totally the cure
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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