we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
