I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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