I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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