Me too!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There's always time for handjobs
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Randomize
