I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
