Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
