i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
