My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
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