I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
