Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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