I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
