trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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