I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
