My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
we made out on top of his cat.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
