Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
