Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
